So we all know about my aversion to flying with babies (here, if you do not) and to kids in general (here, if that is also news to you).
BUT, you know who’s worse to travel with in a flight after babies?
But no, not all men. There is a special category of men who are actual pain to travel with and they are men who have travelled soo many times on flights that they feel entitled to act a certain way inside the aircraft.
Now of course, women do this too probably. I am just speaking for myself here and I have had this problem I only with men. Basically, please be kind and don’t get butthurt, guys. 💖
1. Bathroom Entitlement
First things first, is it me or do men pee too many times?! Like, dude/uncle we just sat down. You don’t have to pee as soon as the captain switches off the seat belt sign, do you? I mean, this doesn’t affect me per se except that I have to get up every time your bladder decides it needs attention, but that’s okay. I don’t mind it. You must probably get it checked though
2. Seat Belt Entitlement
And talking about seat belt signs, why is it that most uncles (usually them) MUST remove their seat belts the second the caution light goes off?! I mean, it’s not horribly uncomfortable or anything. Or is it the pot belly? I would never know, I guess.
3. Seat Back Entitlement
Also, why must you be a jerk and ALWAYS push you seat back soo much that poor old me sitting in the back end up having to do origami twists to save my leg from crushing? I know my legs are short and all, but still maan. If I’d known you were going to take all my leg space I’d have bought a half ticket just for my torso to fit and then curl up in the seat 😒
4. Arm Rest Entitlement
Why the hell are men on my sides taking up the ENTIRE seat handle?! I need a bit of space on it to keep my arm too you know. I mean as I origami myself into the seat my arms need to be kept on the sides or my muscles start spasming and it hurts and stuff (damn, I am old😓)
5. The Leg Entitlement.
Good thing I don’t get space to keep my leg down because if I did, where will the uncles on my sides keep their legs?! I mean they have to man spread (obviously!) and my legs shouldn’t get in the way, right?
Same goes for the guy in the back who decides to keep his leg under my seat. It’s not your fault you’re soo tall, but why don’t you try not moving then around soo much so we share that space so you and I can both be comfortable? But no worries. Thanks to uncle in the front lounging away, my legs are numb from all the crushing.
All this being said though, the minute I voice my concern men are usually extremely adapting and they keep their legs/arms/seat back in check. So maybe they just don’t realise other people getting crushed or have issues controlling their bladder.
I don’t ever say anything though, because I do not like confrontation and I’d preferably get crushed for 5 hours than actually look at a human being in the eye and say that they need to sit properly.
So men, guys, please. Just look around sometimes and try to keep your bladder and your limps in your own personal space. 🙂
It’s been a while since I moved to Mumbai for an internship. You know, the land of Bollywood, glitz, glamour, rich, rags, local trains and everything else in between. I was terrified about moving here but now that I am here, I decided to extend my stay for a few more weeks. Don’t get me wrong, this is faar from my comfort zone, it’s a craazy place. But there’s something about the crowd and the people that I want to enjoy for a little longer.
So what all did I notice in these past two weeks?
Most people told me that Mumbai is one of the most welcoming places because of how tolerant the people are. I agree that the people here are tolerant.. But they are also super busy. This means that they have no time for you or your doubts/concerns/BS. This makes them very very rude sometimes.
Everyone I know are good, nice people. People I don’t know, like rickshaw waalas, uber guys, shopkeepers, random strangers… they scream at me for everything.
I got yelled at soooo many times, it’s not even funny. Rickshaw drivers yell at me because I have no coins with me to pay them and they, for some reason, don’t want to part with the coins they have in their little pouch. They also scream at me for losing my way and telling them to take a wrong turn (that’s not my fault, Google Maps hangs on me sometimes). I get screamed at by pedestrians for walking too slow (I don’t walk slow, they walk too fast).
Things have sort of changed now though. I have also started screaming back at people. After a point you start getting pissed at people trying to get on your nerves for no apparent reason. Maybe this is what they mean by “Mumbai changes you maaan!”. I have however noticed that people who yell at me calm down a little when I yell back at them.
Needless to say, Mumbai is a huge city. Soo huge, that it takes hours and hours to reach from one end of the city to the other. Places I want to go to and people I want to meet live on the absolute other side of the city. I have been refusing to take the local trains all this while because this:
So unless ShahRukh Khan himself materialises in front of me and asks me to “chayya chayya” with him, I am not going near any local trains. That means I have to Uber places and even with all the romance I have with Uber (here), I cannot be content with them charging such high rates to go places. I end up spending all my money on reaching to a place and am perpetually broke.
I pride myself as someone who is pretty good with directions. Unless I am in a mall, I rarely get lost horribly (No, I don’t have an explanation for why I get lost in mall). But in Mumbai, I, for the first time in my life, got lost horribly. Somehow, I managed to walk 3ish kilometres in the exact opposite direction to where I was supposed to go to. With my GPS on. Google MAPS on. People present around to whom I could’ve asked the way. Sign boards around saying I was walking the wrong way.
Still got lost.
Then I had to take an auto, pay extra (which is sad coz I walked so I wouldn’t have to pay 30 bucks. Yes, I am sometimes cheap.)
Finally, there is the whole issue of whether I must call it “Bombay” or “Mumbai”. I know I am supposed to call it Mumbai, but my parents always said Bombay and I feel like I am too old now to change myself. But then again, I don’t want to get beaten up for not saying the right stuff. People seem to want to scream at me for no reason here anyway don’t want to give them a reason to beat me up too! So I am now a changed person who tries real hard to say “Mumbai”.
Joeys and Theo’s ka Pyaar.
Have you heard of Joeys? The pizza place? Their meat ultimo? No?
Take the next flight here. You need this pizza in your life.
It’s crowded, getting your pizza is a huge task and there is usually no place to sit there and ambience is non-existent. But the pizza – I think this place is actual proof that heaven exists.
Then there’s Theobroma. I am not a huge chocolate person, but even I think their desserts are AMAZEBALLS. There are many other dessert places around here too. I have many more to get to so 2017 is going to be pretty cool food wise at least 😀
All in all, I guess even with all the screaming and getting lost and geography issues, it’s still worth living here. If nothing else goes right, you can always go and get yourself good pizza and a cookie (get screamed at the auto guys on your way there and back, but whatever). The city is inspiring actually. Mumbai makes you want to work, to do something with your life. I don’t think many people can sit a home and do nothing all day after seeing the struggles people around get to chase their dreams.
And anyway, Coldplay has come here so that solves any issue I have with this land.
Sooo, I went for the Global Citizen Festival. You know, the thing that is being called the Coldplay concert (and for good reason too. Coldplay is basically heaven’s little Angels performing on Earth). I have been wanting to go since Google’s Twitter account posted this in August:
Everyone was suddenly the biggest fan of the band and I knew getting tickets was going to be an issue. The good tickets (cheap ones of course. Imma no pay 20k for anything) sold-out in seconds. Months passed, and after a “my friend’s friend has a ticket if you pay 7.5k” deal failed a week left to the event, I sort of started being sad. Hope not lost; but sad.
But then the nigh before the event, about 24 hours before Coldplay performed, I got myself a complimentary pass (good hearted people do exist amongst us). It was a whole universe-conspiring-with-me-to-make-it happen sort of situation 💖
I have come back home from the Festival and I have no photos of the event. I would like to tell the world that I made that decision so I could enjoy the show through my own eyes and not through my mobile screen but it was actually mostly because I wanted to save charge on my phone (portable chargers weren’t allowed inside). Phone or no phone, I noticed some real good stuff while I was there, so here goes:
Is it me or is Arijit Singh like really cute?
It is not the first time I noticed this, but it sure is the first time I say this out loud. I might have a tiny crush there. He looked soo bloody cute with his curly hair and glasses. The good music adds to the cuteness too.😬
Shah Rukh Khan comes on stage to introduce Rahman and he says that anyone who can sing the Malayalam bit in “Jiya Jale” gets to dance with Rahman on stage. I could’ve made history up there on stage had SRK heard me screaming out the Malayalam lyrics. Problems of not having a Gold/Higher Zone pass, I tell you:'(
Rahman Rocks (Obviously!); BUT his bassist is a QUEEN!
Firstly, Rahman’s bassist looks like a badass. Then her performance proves she is a real badass. Her hair is literal #Goals. There was a point when Rahman smiled at her and there was soo much pride there. Imagine being soo talented that you invoke pride in Rahman!
Remember that crush I had on Arijit Singh? Yeah, that totally changed and I now have started crushing on her. Such a rockstar ❤
The bassist is a rockstar and then Rahman sings effing “Humma Humma” in effing Tamil at Global Citizen Festival. The hindi-speakers looked confused AF but everyone jumped into jam with him the minute the chorus came up. I made up the entire Tamil lyrics to show off my “skills”, but who cares!
Farhan Akhtar called Amitabh Bachchan to perform with him and while the performance was amazing, I couldn’t help but wonder where I could buy his poncho-kurta thingy from. It was white and comfy and very very stud looking.
Whenever people crowd around, there’s always a truck load of BS around and I specialize in overhearing them. So Vivek Oberoi and Nelson Mandela’s grandson comes on stage for their talk and this girl next to me legit thinks that he is Jay Z. Her friends try to correct her but she wouldn’t listen to them. Finally, after a 15 minute debate, everyone gave up on her and she was convinced that she was right and all her friends were wrong. Mr. Mandela even said something about his grandfather but the debators missed it. I have no idea how I kept a straight face through the whole thing. I tried looking for her when JayZ finally came up on stage but couldn’t find her.
Needless to say, the actual Jay Z was nothing like Mr. Mandela. The dude is sooo cool, you instantly feel 10x cooler from just watching him perform. I don’t know much of his music to be honest, but the dude rapped to Chayya Chayya and Mundian To Bach Ke and I was dancing to him like a maniac. Seriously, he made the crowd go CRRRRAZYY.
So Modi couldn’t make it to the event so he video conferenced with the 80,000 of us. He wasn’t bad either. He really tried to get on to the young crowd’s wavelength. Cute he was, quoting Bob Dylan and making that little joke about de-monetisation. I just wanted to go give him a hug after the VC<3
Who dem girls?
So now after Modi VC’d, everyone expected Coldplay to jump on to the stage and start Paradise or something, but none of that happened. Instead, these two very random girls (who were very hot, so the complaints were minimal) came up on stage and started turning some knobs on their DJ-board-thingy. They were pretty boring if you ask me but mostly so because everyone wanted Coldplay to come on stage. They didn’t really get a fair chance but whoever thought it was a good idea to let them open for Coldplay was clearly delusional.
Finally, COLDPLAY happened.🌞👑
I had been waiting for this moment since August and when it finally happened and I heard Chris Martin’s voice flood the grounds, I started laughing out loud. It felt surreal; it felt heavenly. I cannot explain the emotions or the feeling, but every Coldplay fan present there would know what I mean when I say that nothing felt more right than being there at that moment. They played all the crowd favorites, they played some of the old songs for the die-hard fans and they put everything into the performance. Tears were involved, but my heart was super happy and grateful to have experienced them – their first ever concert in India.
Also, Rahman came on stage and Chris and he sang Maa Tujhe Salaam together. Goosebumps on goosebumps happened. Also, can we take a moment to appreciate how Chris totally learned the lyrics while Rahman was performing on stage and decided to wing it? And how he randomly sang Channa Mereya (Must have heard Arijit rehearsing it or something). Such a beautiful soul he has ❤
All in all, the Festival was AMAZING. There was soo much talent, passion and positivity around. People were standing in huge crowds under the blazing sun, sweating and dehydrated (because the lines for water, which the organisers made free (Thank you!), were humongous) but still dancing and singing and cheering for the performers on stage.
Oh, and people who pushed through the rest of us to get to the front without even saying “excuse me”, yeah, you’re all going to hell.
But you know who aren’t going to hell? The nice people who actually did/do good work for the Global Citizen Initiative. I do believe that we are the generation which can end poverty and if you are interested or care, even a tiny bit, about things other than yourself, then please check this out.
Standing in a long line to get some drinking water or go to the loo was bloody hard, even though I had to do it just the one time. Imagine those people who cannot just open a tap and get fresh water or have the luxury of private washrooms. It sucks.
Coldplay really was the highlight of this mega event, but it is not just about them or the many other performances. All said and done, this is a much bigger cause so please check the site out, do what you can and pledge to be global citizens 🙏
Oh, and btw, after the Festival I tottally got lost and this random stranger (sent by my relatives whom my dad called in a final attempt to save me) had to come pick me up and drop me home. I forgot the stranger’s name but he has my blessings. I won’t lie, I freaked the heck out when I couldn’t find transportation home.
But all that was TOTS worth it so imma end this post now.
See… I am a lazy bum. I also do not know how to drive. This means that if I am to go out of the house, someone has to appear with some kind of vehicle. I rarely have people around me who are ready to do my bidding. This is why I have a serious romance with Uber. Also, this is not a paid AD for Uber (I Wish!); the romance is real. If you are an Uber user, you are bound to relate to the following.
Finding that perfect Uber
I mean, I know it’s not my skill or my decision as to which Uber I get, but I like to think I have something do with acquiring that perfect Uber. You know, the one that’s close but not too close that you have no time to apply your Kajal or fill in your eyebrow (or whatever it is that non-makeup users do in the last minute).
The first call
Not very romantic when your Uber driver is a 40 year old father of 3, but nevertheless someone has to call the other and I end up waiting for the driver to call me. And since I don’t call the guy, I end up stalking the car on the App.
I make fun of my mom for staring at the miniature car going around on the App but sometimes I do the same. As I wait for the driver to call me I App-stalk the car making those tiny turns. Sometimes I see the poor guy going in some wrong direction I still won’t call. (#HorriblePersonAlert).
Leaving on Time
Along with being a lazy bum, I am also very impatient. So when I have to take an Uber it is with utmost care that I leave the house. There is a sweet spot in time when you get down to the entrance of your flat’s building and see the Uber coming into the compound. Only a trained professional can actually achieve that though. I can, sometimes 😎
Finding the Uber IRL
Now, it’s not always that you get in that above-mentioned time frame. Either you’re late or the Uber is; and in addition to being a lazy bum and an impatient person I am also perpetually late. This means I have to employ my App stalking skills IRL and find that Uber in the midst of all the cars around. It’s not very tough, but is still a task if the Uber is parked farther than you expected.
Will the Uber smell like lunch?
If you’re someone who threads your eyebrows at a parlour you know how to guess the parlour lady’s lunch from the smell in her hands (is that gross?). I do the same in Ubers. Not a very fun game; but it surely does pass time. It can also give your Biryani cravings if that’s what you smell in there.
Do I smell like Lunch?
Close in line with the Uber’s smell is my paranoia that I might actually smell like lunch. Either that or my perfume is too much. Or I stink. You can never win with olfactory I tell you!
Which route to take?
If there are multiple routes to a place it’s always irritating choosing the efficient path. You know the traffic is going to be hell in route A, and lesser in route B. But route B is longer and you are already late. You gmble with luck take the shorter route praying to not get stuck in traffic.
Chances are, with my luck, I’ll get stuck in the worst traffic of the decade😒
The awkward talking scenes
You’d think these issues pop up only on first dates! But no, Uber rides are apparently like first dates
Some people like my dad are natural Uber talkers who make conversation with the drivers like they’ve been friends since second grade. I, however have no idea what to do some days and end up hearing Uber’s pay scheme for the millionth time (how Uber pays their drivers is my go to conversation point. I have now reached a point where I could probably write a paper on it.)
The music conundrum
Headphones? No headphones? One headphone in? Volume low? Too low you can’t hear. Gawd.
Directions when you’re almost there
At this time you realise you don’t really know the way to your friends place or to that restaurant you’ve been to a million times. So you tell the guy to follow the GPS and next thing you know, the GPS stays “your destination is on your left” and instead of a restaurant, all you see is a hardware store:/
That final goodbye
It’s notsupposed to be weird getting out of an Uber, but for awkward me it’s a big deal. First of all, I always forget to tell the guy “thanks” because I am oh-so-excited about reaching my destination. Then I sort of turn back and say thanks and by then the dude is already looking away. He then hears me and turns to look at me with a “what did you say?” look and then I have to say thanks again but now that he has turned I feel like I need to add more so I say something like ” thanks for the ride, nice car” or “thanks for the ride, nice playlist” or “thanks for the ride, good lunch” or something stupid and it just becomes very yuck.
If you don’t relate this or think this is too far fetched, you’re probably not an awkward person, so be glad and share the post. If you do relate to this, thank you for understanding, share the post.:P
But seriously, are you guys ever this awkward in Uber’s/Ola/Autorikshaw or whatever you use? It cannot be just me. Let me know in the comments section so I don’t feel like a total bum.
The following is a pretty honest opinion that I have about temples/houses of worship. If you are easily offended or is not in the mood to hear this sort of stuff, skip ahead. Read another one of my posts (the funny ones, maybe) or close the window. I obviously have no problem having a rational discussion about this in the comments, but keep it nice.
Basically, thou shall the go away if thou is the butt hurt easy and not be the rude to me.
Anyway, I went to a temple today. I was made to wake up at 5 (AM!😱), shower (read: empty a tiny mug of hot water on the hair so everyone thinks I washed my hair) and travel for some 3 hours. This means I was already semi-grumpy and in a not-going-to-take-any-shit-today zone.
We went to one of the biggest temples in Kerala, India (shitty website tho 😛 ) so needless to say there’s always a crowd waiting to either see the idol or do some sort of pooja. People apparently wait for hours and hours (sometimes in scorching sun) to get into the temple but we knew someone who knew someone who knew someone who knew someone who worked there and got these very special access pass. So I actually have no reason really to complain about anything but I saw some real bizzare things going on in there and hence this post.
The things people do, which is either some sort of superstition, custom or just random offering to God made me realise why I can never be a religious person. I feel the need to question everything I see/do and that doesn’t seem to be a thing in a temple.
For example, there some people who were rolling on the floor around the temple complex. This is a custom apparently (called Shayanapradikshanam) and it looked sad. I saw this one guy who was being rolled by a lady because he was semi-unconscious and tired from doing it for a long time. Now, after doing this the man might feel good (or he won’t) or some great desire of his heart would get fulfilled or something. I don’t know.
There were also people who were walking slowly around the temple. Like really really really slow. If you are unfortunate enough to get behind one of these groups, you’ll never reach anywhere. I thought they were just slow walkers, but turns out, it’s a custom. I wanted to ask them what was the point of walking like that, but none of them looked chatty.
There are also those poor souls who stand in line for hours just to see the idol for 5 seconds. Again, it’s their wish to whatever they want to do, so I am not commenting on this. I don’t understand giving God money either, because when did God become high maintenance? There’s special fee for prasadham, which is gheer and unniyappam and stuff (They are tasty AF so I ain’t complaining about that at all). Oh and people also did this special thing where they balance their own weight against certain items (from bananas to gold) and then offer that to the temple. Honestly, I don’t really think the God cares about your gold but these people are rich so I don’t know how their mind works. There was an elephant there in chains too, and if I start writing about how I feel about keeping animals in chains (wild animals that too) this post is going to go another way.
Point is, a temple or any house of worship, in my opinion should be a place where there’s peace and quiet. Honestly, this temple trip stressed me out. I saw tired faces wherever I looked. I have been to places with crowds before which were more peaceful than my own home. So the people aren’t what’s causing all the noise and stress. It’s the fact that the temples have become less Godly and more commercial. Everything people do to please the Gods are done after they pay a certain amount and get a receipt. I wanted to figure out how much money the temple must be making every day and I gave up (the numbers got confusing).
I have no issues with God, he/she/it seems chill. I don’t really think he/she/it gives many Fs about our lives coz seriously, we are pretty mundane in the big picture. In the meantime, people are rolling on the floor, slow walking, weighing gold and standing for hours under the hot sun to get the God to like them. If that makes them happy, so be it.
As for me, if I ever feel the need to go to a temple I think I’ll keep my visits limited to the smaller, calmer temples. Who knows, maybe those Gods have lesser visitors so they’ll hear me clearer. Until then, I’ll pray for the poor chained elephant.
P. S. I saw a tall man with long white hair and a white beard. So yes, Dumbledore is still alive and well. ❤
Please be nice and share the post if you like it :)