Exaggerated Comedy AKA Lies

Comedy is basically exaggeration. If I go out to the grocery store and feel mild inconvenience when the guy in front of me in the payment line takes an extra minute to hand out the change, I tweet out saying how “the guy took soo much time to hand over the change that I swear I found a gray hair growing in my nose by the time he was done!”

Now whether you laugh at this or not(you probably didn’t lets be real), this is it. This basically is comedy.

But read that paragraph again. Notice how I said something about me tweeting? Yeah, no. I never tweet. I am not funny enough to make every single daily life situation into a tweet of that god-awful-number of characters. And that is also why you probably didn’t laugh at my “tweet” about growing old in the grocery store. My Twitter is literally me telling my 50 followers about my WordPress posts (maybe that is why I have only 50 followers :/)

And very honestly, I probably already have gray hair in my nose from all the stress so I shouldn’t be blaming the slow guy for it anyway😑

Now if we are really going to get into it, I don’t even go out to the grocery store anymore. Let’s be real, I Amazon prime the shitz out of things, or I order on BigBasket. Minimising human interaction is key to a happy life. I say that, but that’s a lie too. People who know me will know how much I enjoy human company. If not for human interaction (even with the kind that makes you want to punch your own face for talking to them), I’d probably go crazy. So see, lies again.

Also, who even pays with money anymore? Why would the guy pay with cash when he could have done it with the card? Is he primitive? Or was it black money? Is he trying to launder money? Is he using counterfeit notes? More importantly, did I use money laundering in the right context?

What I mean to say is, I lie for comedy. Like all the time. It’s not a horrible thing, of course. But it’s not something I am proud of either. I generally hate liars but I am also a hypocrite and since this lying is only for the purposes of comic relief, I think it’s cool. Agree with me while I try to justify my bad habits 😕

All I am saying is, if I am ever telling you a story, assume that I am exaggerating the shitz out of it so as to make people laugh. It works in real life. People seem to think I am funny. Well, some people do anyway. 😒

It is tough to determine the laughs I get up in the blogosphere. I hope someone laughs at my “jokes” though. I mean if liars go to hell, I might as well be able to make Satan laugh a little as he burns me down to the bones 👺

Well, here’s to hoping to befriend Satan 🍻

love,

paw

Gif Courtesy – http://fuckyeahpheebs.tumblr.com/page/2http://www.betches.com/pretty-little-liars-season-7-episode-4-recap

Vices || The PAw’s Thoughts

I noticed something in the past few months during my interaction with the world. Everybody seems to want to know what my vices are. Very honestly the first time someone asked me what my vices were, I had to google what “vices” meant (Yeah, I didn’t know. It’s no big deal).

vice
Vocabulary lessons for the uninitiated.

So vices are basically your bad habits. And apparently the good old “I bite my nails” or “I don’t wash my hair everyday” don’t count. Vices are worse things, apparently.

Everybody I meet seem to want to put horrible ass shitz into their body.  The list starts from coffee (which is only a hug from the heaven lets be honest) and passes through alcohol and cigarettes and end in chemicals I don’t even want to name on my blog. And no, I don’t live in some sort of drug addled locality; neither do I go around making friends with the “wrong kind”. These are actually really good people, they just have vices.

If you ask me, I honestly don’t even know where people get half of these things from. My idea of indulging in a vice is going to a club and getting shots on shots on shots (truthfully though, I don’t need more than 2). I don’t have a favourite “sutta waala bhaiyya” (that’s the cigarette seller for non-hindi speaking peeps) and I definitely don’t have my personal drug dealer (no judgement… I guess…). I am not making these proclamations from a moral high horse, let me be clear. It’s coming from a place of concern.

I understand the want to experiment things in your life. For me the experimenting is closer to buying chicken biryani from that “new place that opened and nobody has really reviewed it so we don’t know if its good or will give you diarrhea”. But I honestly don’t understand how someone can snort cocaine when it’s known to be as addictive and harmful as it is. I can’t think of many reasons where someone might hate themselves/their body soo much that they do shitz like this.

Of course, I don’t mind people using the organic stuff 😛 (not that my minding it or not has anything to do with their personal choices), but its scary how easily certain chemicals which I believe to be evil incarnate are named and revered by everyone soo casually. Have they all tried it or is it just a means to look “cool” (it’s not cool btw.)

To anyone asking me about my vices, let me tell you this: I would rather sit around with my friends drinking chai than experiment hard drugs. I like those days when we meet each other for coffee and vada pav or something and NOT to smoke up and experiment a new whatever your personal drug dealer gave you.

Seriously, the next stranger who asks me about my vices is getting his/her ass kicked.

So basically, drugs are not cool, you don’t need a personal drug dealer, smoking is for losers and your body, health and future is more important than whatever your “friend” asked you to snort.

love,

paw

 

 

Ya’ll Need To Chill – Episode #1

This series is in collaboration with the wonderful WBG from ThatWeirdBrownGirl!

Disclaimer: Every single opinion and experience is in conjunction with the Indian society, the society and people that we’ve grown up with. If you’re not Indian but the instances are similar, we’re glad you can relate and understand. If you ARE Indian and try denying/ arguing about this, may God bless your soul because it’ll be ripped to shreds by our hands.

YNTC Episode #1: “Your bra strap is showing”

Oh! The…the disgrace, we…have…betrayed the world….EVERYONE! We’ve let the whole world in on THE most guarded secret of all time, one that puts even the secrets that resides within Area 51 to shame! The secret that WOMEN WEAR BRAS BECAUSE WE HAVE BOOBS.

We didn’t know wearing bras were a secret or did we miss out on something important? Some announcement where the visibility of bra straps held people to question virtue of a woman? So you’re saying that the piece of cloth that covers breasts, breasts that people sexualize, are offensive to your eyes? And that we should be embarrassed when people know, or acknowledge, that we wear a bra?

Breaking news: when a woman’s bra strap is visible, she’s “shameless”, or “asking for it” according to people, men in particular, MEN who know squat about the chest area, unless they’re fantasizing about it.

“Look at her, walking around, cheating on all her boyfriends” “Well, a woman has needs, right?” “I can see her bra strap” “OMG what an ATTENTION WHORE!”

Excuse me, but do you know how expensive bras are?! Especially, the smooth, satin-like, makes-me-feel-like-a-goddess ones?! Our bras are expensive and pretty, therefore ex-squeeze me while we pull it out for people to appreciate it. What’s the point of hiding these wonders if people don’t see them?

Believe it or not, but there are phrases that indirectly tell you that your strap is showing like- “Your boyfriend is seen” or “India is coming out of Asia”. Like, WOW. Why not come up with something more subtle and fun, like- “Your pull out game is strong” or “Your boob armour is showing”, why not? Personally, we’re fond of the latter.

The extent of drama that comes with our bra strap making an appearance in public, you’d think it’s an offence graver than some “kEwL gUyzZ” walking around in their low waist jeans, with their butts hanging out. Yeah, btw, that is one of the first arguments against the bra strap. That “if men can’t show their underpants, women can’t show their bra strap” (actually read in the comments section of a Facebook Post defending the bra strap).

First of all, we personally have no issues seeing a man’s underpants. Not that we particularly enjoy having to see them in the metro or bus, but we can always look away and so that’s what we do (which one can do for the bra strap too, just saying). Also, it’s not the underpants that people hate seeing; it’s the bum crack everyone has a problem with. And anyway, comparing a bra strap to the underpants is not fair to the bra strap coz you know, bra straps are mostly always cute, unlike certain hole-y underpants some of us had the misfortune of seeing.

Aeons ago, in a land far far away, there was once an older lady arguing that if we allow bra straps to be shown today, next we’ll be allowing naked women to walk out and about in the streets. Yes, that’s very true. Today it’s the bra strap, tomorrow it’s the Parliament calling an emergency session to change the existing laws on public nudity, and day after all women are getting naked and the week after that complete anarchy ensues. TOTALLY going to happen. TOTALLY. We love enjoying a cool breeze around our privates, thank you very much.

Let’s get to the bottom line. It’s a strap. It’s an effin bra strap. It’s essentially coloured elastic band. Can’t we all just get over the piece of cloth and move on to caring about the bigger things in life? Like women not being able be in public without getting harassed, or gay people not being able to get married or the bee population dying massively? Can’t we?

We got a wonderful answer on Twitter from a fellow WPer, Zalak of ZalakWrites , when asked what goes through her mind when someone tells her that her bra strap is visible. She imparted pearls of wisdom, saying:

“When I hear this, I reply saying FYI. And walk on. Never saw anyone pulling up a man for scratching his balls or adjusting his undies in public”

Other than the serious rampant issue of misogyny, can we just compare the very ACT of adjusting one’s straps with adjusting one’s balls? How is placing your hand gobsmack to your crotch, wiggling, pulling out what seems to be a front-faced wedgie, not frowned upon but pretending to scratch your neck while subtly moving an elastic band an inch to the other direction an embarrassment?

And who, in the mighty depths of Hades, gave the decision that coloured bras are a no-no under white t-shirts? Bruh please, it’s bad enough that we don’t get to wear our lacy, sexy undies for a week, every month, for the majority of our life-span, so leave our clothes and sod off. Hell hath no fury like withholding something shimmery from a woman.

The next time someone comes up to you, gawking about how your bra strap/bra is visible, put your hand inside your shirt, pull out the confetti, throw it in their face and walk away.

And if you have an even cooler response, let us know in the comments! 😀

And remember, BRAS BEFORE BROS!

Cheers!

WBG and Paw 🙂

 

Hey guys! So, this is a regular series that we’re planning on continuing together, forever and ever! We’ve been brainstorming this for quite some time and we’ve finally glued together the scraps and whispered the magic words and brought this to life!

The main aim of this series is to bash out every silly, racist, sexist things that have ever been said to us, personally and in general, with sass and style.

And it is not limited to gender or country. If any of you folks have something to vent out, LET US KNOW. Anything that’s ever been directed at you or to the people that you know, LET US KNOW. Click on both of our CONTACT pages in the menu, and get to venting!

Until then,

Cheers!

Reasons Why I’m Going to Fail in Life.

  1. I obviously can’t write a proper blog title. 8 words for a title. I mean, c’mon dude. Try a little harder!
At least I am better than ToI’s writer!

2. Procrastination – this very post is a result of me procrastinating; I am supposed to be helping a friend finish his research for some college work right now. If there is work that needs finishing, you can count on me to procrastinate till the very end and then finish things off in panic mode. Thing is, nothing is ever perfect when done in panic mode.

3. Priorities – let’s just say I am late for class and I am power walking (read: have an intense expression on face but walk in normal speed coz let’s face it, I am very unfit) to college. If I see a dog on the street and the dog gives me the “look”, I will stop and pet the dog. If I need an ice tea before class, I will get it even if it means I might not be able to enter the class (based on a true story from my 2nd year of college. Professor didn’t understand the need for ice tea.).

3. Sleep – stop reading and comment below: you are starving but you feel numb with sleeplessness. But you cant have both. So, if you have to choose between food and sleep, what’ll you choose?

Me, I choose sleep. I don’t mind dying of hunger while I sleep. That is what sleep means to me. So if I wake up one morning and my body tells me I need more sleep, I will sleep. Don’t care about no assignments, tests, semester end exams, food, water etc. And you can’t get much done when you sleep so that time spent is a TOTAL waste.

4. Instagram – If I had a penny for every time I told myself that I’d close the app in 5 minutes but ended up scrolling for 3 hours, I’d be a very very rich person by now (no, that is a lie, I might have enough pennies for a meal, but that’s all). I don’t know what it is about Instagram that makes me swipe for hours. You start with the innocent stalking of a friend who put up a photo at her cousin’s wedding and next thing you know you are looking at photos taken at Bonefish Grill in Tulsa (based on a true story).

image
When I did end up on this page, I was soo surprised, I took a screenshot.

Same goes for YouTube sometimes but I fall asleep watching YouTube videos. You never fall asleep looking at photos of locals from Tulsa!

5. I watch a LOT of crap TV shows – I don’t really know why, but I really like watching TV shows. Mostly the crappy ones. I don’t mind spending my time on shows like Game of Thrones or Sherlock; they are pieces of art and I appreciate their existence. However, when you waste time watching crap reality shows like the Bachelor/Bachelorrette, Splitsvilla, Roadies, some supernatural shitz etc., you need to worry. Recently I started watching this show called True Blood and I was disgusted when I realised I was on Episode 8 of the first season. The show was just a lot of sex and vampires and fangs and dripping blood and a very confused/slighly psychotic girl and they all speak with a South American accent (which I think they are making a mockery of tbh). Worst part is, I watched 8 episodes of that shit.

I could’ve probably changed the world in those 400 hours! (Yes, I am very proud of myself for the intense calculation I did there)

This list is actually much longer that this so I’ll continue in another post. Let’s hope the title isn’t longer next time. :/

 

love,

me:)

 

Photo Courtesy – http://www.catchnews.com/life-society-news/twitter-takes-on-toi-s-epic-length-headline-hilarity-ensues-1451125594.html , http://mylivingphantasy.tumblr.com/post/121355055664/reasons-why-dans-a-failhttp://www.relatably.com/m/funny-sleeping-memes