Exaggerated Comedy AKA Lies

Comedy is basically exaggeration. If I go out to the grocery store and feel mild inconvenience when the guy in front of me in the payment line takes an extra minute to hand out the change, I tweet out saying how “the guy took soo much time to hand over the change that I swear I found a gray hair growing in my nose by the time he was done!”

Now whether you laugh at this or not(you probably didn’t lets be real), this is it. This basically is comedy.

But read that paragraph again. Notice how I said something about me tweeting? Yeah, no. I never tweet. I am not funny enough to make every single daily life situation into a tweet of that god-awful-number of characters. And that is also why you probably didn’t laugh at my “tweet” about growing old in the grocery store. My Twitter is literally me telling my 50 followers about my WordPress posts (maybe that is why I have only 50 followers :/)

And very honestly, I probably already have gray hair in my nose from all the stress so I shouldn’t be blaming the slow guy for it anyway😑

Now if we are really going to get into it, I don’t even go out to the grocery store anymore. Let’s be real, I Amazon prime the shitz out of things, or I order on BigBasket. Minimising human interaction is key to a happy life. I say that, but that’s a lie too. People who know me will know how much I enjoy human company. If not for human interaction (even with the kind that makes you want to punch your own face for talking to them), I’d probably go crazy. So see, lies again.

Also, who even pays with money anymore? Why would the guy pay with cash when he could have done it with the card? Is he primitive? Or was it black money? Is he trying to launder money? Is he using counterfeit notes? More importantly, did I use money laundering in the right context?

What I mean to say is, I lie for comedy. Like all the time. It’s not a horrible thing, of course. But it’s not something I am proud of either. I generally hate liars but I am also a hypocrite and since this lying is only for the purposes of comic relief, I think it’s cool. Agree with me while I try to justify my bad habits 😕

All I am saying is, if I am ever telling you a story, assume that I am exaggerating the shitz out of it so as to make people laugh. It works in real life. People seem to think I am funny. Well, some people do anyway. 😒

It is tough to determine the laughs I get up in the blogosphere. I hope someone laughs at my “jokes” though. I mean if liars go to hell, I might as well be able to make Satan laugh a little as he burns me down to the bones 👺

Well, here’s to hoping to befriend Satan 🍻

love,

paw

Gif Courtesy – http://fuckyeahpheebs.tumblr.com/page/2http://www.betches.com/pretty-little-liars-season-7-episode-4-recap

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Vices || The PAw’s Thoughts

I noticed something in the past few months during my interaction with the world. Everybody seems to want to know what my vices are. Very honestly the first time someone asked me what my vices were, I had to google what “vices” meant (Yeah, I didn’t know. It’s no big deal).

vice
Vocabulary lessons for the uninitiated.

So vices are basically your bad habits. And apparently the good old “I bite my nails” or “I don’t wash my hair everyday” don’t count. Vices are worse things, apparently.

Everybody I meet seem to want to put horrible ass shitz into their body.  The list starts from coffee (which is only a hug from the heaven lets be honest) and passes through alcohol and cigarettes and end in chemicals I don’t even want to name on my blog. And no, I don’t live in some sort of drug addled locality; neither do I go around making friends with the “wrong kind”. These are actually really good people, they just have vices.

If you ask me, I honestly don’t even know where people get half of these things from. My idea of indulging in a vice is going to a club and getting shots on shots on shots (truthfully though, I don’t need more than 2). I don’t have a favourite “sutta waala bhaiyya” (that’s the cigarette seller for non-hindi speaking peeps) and I definitely don’t have my personal drug dealer (no judgement… I guess…). I am not making these proclamations from a moral high horse, let me be clear. It’s coming from a place of concern.

I understand the want to experiment things in your life. For me the experimenting is closer to buying chicken biryani from that “new place that opened and nobody has really reviewed it so we don’t know if its good or will give you diarrhea”. But I honestly don’t understand how someone can snort cocaine when it’s known to be as addictive and harmful as it is. I can’t think of many reasons where someone might hate themselves/their body soo much that they do shitz like this.

Of course, I don’t mind people using the organic stuff 😛 (not that my minding it or not has anything to do with their personal choices), but its scary how easily certain chemicals which I believe to be evil incarnate are named and revered by everyone soo casually. Have they all tried it or is it just a means to look “cool” (it’s not cool btw.)

To anyone asking me about my vices, let me tell you this: I would rather sit around with my friends drinking chai than experiment hard drugs. I like those days when we meet each other for coffee and vada pav or something and NOT to smoke up and experiment a new whatever your personal drug dealer gave you.

Seriously, the next stranger who asks me about my vices is getting his/her ass kicked.

So basically, drugs are not cool, you don’t need a personal drug dealer, smoking is for losers and your body, health and future is more important than whatever your “friend” asked you to snort.

love,

paw

 

 

The Blogger Recognition Award

I was nominated for this award on 26th August and in true SpeakingPAw fashion, I procrastinated for very very long time. However, I hate not responding to awards like this because they mean a lot to me and I love that people actually care enough about my writing and has taken time to nominate me for it. ❤

Also, it makes me feel very important 😛

Also, right now  it’s between doing this or writing an assignment on Labour Laws. Clearly, education isn’t very important to me 😀

Thank you ShinyButtonsBlog for nominating me! She has amazing fashion and beauty blog posts but go read her baking stuff also. Seriously pretty cooking happening there.

 

First, I am supposed to talk about how I started blogging. To be honest, it was a decision I took in a split second. I was procrastinating doing some work late one night and suddenly decided that I had things to say and googled “free blogging”. WordPress was the first link that came on there. It’s not my first time blogging btw. I’ve tried this on Blogspot once before. I’ll see if I can find the link to that blog but I feel like it deserves a whole other post.  In the meantime, read my first WordPress post.

Secondly, I am supposed to give 2 pieces of advice to new bloggers. The most important thing is to be consistent with your content. No one likes a blogger who doesn’t post on time properly and goes off the map for months at a stretch (AKA Me. I am sorry. I am also a hypocrite.)  Another advice is to keep your blogger friends close. My blogger friends are the people in the WordPress sphere whose writing  inspire me to write and I absolutely love reading their blogs. So if you are new on WordPress, find people whose writing you like and become friends with them. That helps a lot and makes blogging uber fun.

Now, I would like to nominate these guys for the award –

WBG

Little April Shower

Strictly Lighthearted

Vocal Pendulum

Hope you guys don’t take like a million years to do this like I did 🙂

love,

me:)

photo Courtesy – https://www.pinterest.com/pin/126734176984513738/

Thoughts during an Uber ride

See… I am a lazy bum. I also do not know how to drive. This means that if I am to go out of the house, someone has to appear with some kind of vehicle. I rarely have people around me who are ready to do my bidding. This is why I have a serious romance with Uber. Also, this is not a paid AD for Uber (I Wish!); the romance is real. If you are an Uber user, you are bound to relate to the following.

  • Finding that perfect Uber

instagram-ah-cf19e8

 

I mean, I know it’s not my skill or my decision as to which Uber I get, but I like to think I have something do with acquiring that perfect Uber. You know, the one that’s close but not too close that you have no time to apply your Kajal or fill in your eyebrow (or whatever it is that non-makeup users do in the last minute).

 

 

  • The first call 

Not very romantic when your Uber driver is a 40 year old father of 3, but nevertheless someone has to call the other and I end up waiting for the driver to call me. And since I don’t call the guy, I end up stalking the car on the App.

  • Endless stalk

I make fun of my mom for staring at the miniature car going around on the App but sometimes I do the same. As I wait for the driver to call me I App-stalk the car making those tiny turns. Sometimes I see the poor guy going in some wrong direction I still won’t call. (#HorriblePersonAlert).

  • Leaving on Time

 

Along with being a lazy bum, I am also very impatient. So when I have to take an Uber it is with utmost care that I leave the house. There is a sweet spot in time when you get down to the entrance of your flat’s building and see the Uber coming into the compound. Only a trained professional can actually achieve that though. I can, sometimes 😎

 

  • Finding the Uber IRL1f5w0mq

Now, it’s not always that you get in that above-mentioned time frame. Either you’re late or the Uber is; and in addition to being a lazy bum and an impatient person I am also perpetually late. This means I have to employ my App stalking skills IRL and find that Uber in the midst of all the cars around. It’s not very tough, but is still a task if the Uber is parked farther than you expected.

 

  • Will the Uber smell like lunch? :/

If you’re someone who threads your eyebrows at a parlour you know how to guess the parlour lady’s lunch from the smell in her hands (is that gross?). I do the same in Ubers. Not a very fun game; but it surely does pass time. It can also give your Biryani cravings if that’s what you smell in there.

  • Do I smell like Lunch?

Close in line with the Uber’s smell is my paranoia that I might actually smell like lunch. Either that or my perfume is too much. Or I stink. You can never win with olfactory I tell you!

  • Which route to take?

If there are multiple routes to a place it’s always irritating choosing the efficient path. You know the traffic is going to be hell in route A, and lesser in route B. But route B is longer and you are already late. You gmble with luck take the shorter route praying to not get stuck in traffic.

Chances are, with my luck, I’ll get stuck in the worst traffic of the decade😒

  • The awkward talking scenes

648935638830579712-twitter

You’d think these issues pop up only on first dates! But no, Uber rides are apparently like first dates :/

Some people like my dad are natural Uber talkers who make conversation with the drivers like they’ve been friends since second grade. I, however have no idea what to do some days and end up hearing Uber’s pay scheme for the millionth time (how Uber pays their drivers is my go to conversation point. I have now reached a point where I could probably write a paper on it.)

  • The music conundrum

Headphones? No headphones? One headphone in? Volume low? Too low you can’t hear. Gawd.

  • Directions when you’re almost there

At this time you realise you don’t really know the way to your friends place or to that restaurant you’ve been to a million times. So you tell the guy to follow the GPS and next thing you know, the GPS stays “your destination is on your left” and instead of a restaurant, all you see is a hardware store:/

  • That final goodbye


It’s not supposed to be weird getting out of an Uber, but for awkward me it’s a big deal. First of all, I always forget to tell the guy “thanks” because I am oh-so-excited about reaching my destination. Then I sort of turn back and say thanks and by then the dude is already looking away. He then hears me and turns to look at me with a “what did you say?” look and then I have to say thanks again but now that he has turned I feel like I need to add more so I say something like ” thanks for the ride, nice car” or “thanks for the ride, nice playlist” or “thanks for the ride, good lunch” or something stupid and it just becomes very yuck.

If you don’t relate this or think this is too far fetched, you’re probably not an awkward person, so be glad and share the post. If you do relate to this, thank you for understanding, share the post.:P

But seriously, are you guys ever this awkward in Uber’s/Ola/Autorikshaw or whatever you use? It cannot be just me. Let me know in the comments section so I don’t feel like a total bum.

love,

me:)

 

Photo Courtesy – https://onsizzle.com/i/nelson-mandela-facebook-probably-not-the-best-tactic-car-264117 , https://onsizzle.com/i/uber-twitter-when-you-dont-feel-like-talking-9192https://thoughtcatalog.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/1f5w0mq.jpg , http://www.memegen.com/meme/qj8xvx

Bridges || Irrational Fears – I

In the past few weeks I have had the misfortune of getting stuck on bridges due to very irritating traffic. I then realised something: I may have an issue with bridges.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not one to say no to an evening stroll on a bridge. They usually have pretty views and sometimes just standing there staring at the water underneath is soothing.

However, these days when I am stuck on bridges my mind keeps running to what would happen if the bridge collapsed. Like seriously,  remember this scene from Harry Potter??

OMG OMG OMG

I am not saying Death Eaters are going to come crashing bridges in India, but lets just say it happens. Like what is one supposed to do when a bridge collapses? I can’t swim, I can’t float, I cannot even scream for help because I will be yelling “I knew this was going to happen, I told you! I told you!” to everyone instead of ACTUALLY doing something to save myself. But chances are, it would be more easier to just do this:

Tom dying at the end of The Duck Doctor (1952)
Annnnd, RIP.

You know, take that one last drag of a cigarette and wait for death to come (Statutory Warning: I am not condoning smoking in any way, it is disgusting and no one should do it.) But you get the point. What’s the point anyways? If the fall doesn’t kill you, the flowing water will. And for some reason the water doesn’t kill you, all the poison people have dumped in there will. Might as well enjoy that one last minute of life, right?

So, during my hours of sitting in traffic, I have come up with an amazing plan in case the bridge breaks. I shall take that as my first and last ultimate bungee jumping. Obviously, it is not going to be a glamorous affair. I reckon I’ll be crying a bit. Also, the view from this particular bridge I get stuck on isn’t exactly pretty. And no one is going to be giving me a certificate for jumping. But I still feel like its the best way to go.

If gravity really wants you to fall, might as well make an adventure out of it!

Very disturbing thoughts some of these, I know. But this is what my mind thought today and I felt the need to tell everyone that.

Next time you’re on a bridge, remember this post ❤

 

love,

me:)

 

P.S.: I am going to be real mad if the bridge actually collapses. Also, I guess this blog post will be considered a forewarning and me an absolute miracle-woman.

P.P.S. The bridge collapsing could also mean the death eaters are rising again. Shitz.

P.P.P.S. Did you read Cursed Child yet? 🙂

GIF Courtesy – http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Millennium_Bridgehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhyndQI3eec

Photo Courtesy – http://www.dragoart.com/tuts/3287/1/1/how-to-draw-a-bridge.htm